Your Dirty, Painfully Obvious, Little Secret
by DarkDanny
Summary: PTSD Series: He was supposed to be her little secret for the sake of the Fleet. Too bad that the two of them are utterly terrible at keeping it that way...


**Huh, been a while since I've written something NOT Uplifted related... let's see if I can handle it.**

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With a hard, disgusting sounding wet heave and his face nearly inside the toilet bowl, he vomited all his bile and stomach contents out of his body. Shakily he groaned and stood back up, one hand touching his sweat stained face, the other flushed the contents in the toilet bowl to… well, wherever waste went to. As he turned on the faucet and splashed a handful of water into his gaunt face.

Commander John Shepard stared at the haunting reflection in his mirror staring right back at him.

He was exhausted.

Perhaps exhausted was the understatement of his life. The past few weeks had been absolute hell on him. From watching as Earth fell to the Reaper bastards, to wheeling and dealing an alliance between the krogan's and the turians –a task that cost a dear friend, Doctor Mordin Solus his life - to stopping a Cerberus raid on the Citadel, which in the end, cost Thane Krios his life as well. So much death and loss in such a short amount of time… Garrus was right. This was going to get messy quickly.

And it wasn't as though he was capable of getting any sleep either. There was too much work to do, any rest or relaxation left him with an overriding sense of guilt the moment he thought about anything beyond the four walls of his quarters, and the minimal amount of sleep he did get was interrupted with nightmares filled with those whom died and he could not save. Of the men and women who gave their lives to delay an enemy that easily brushed their sacrifices aside… It was leaving the Spectre with an overwhelming sense of futility at the task he was forced to take on. All he wanted to do was sleep, take a handful of sleeping pills, sleep dreamlessly and not wake up until he was ready to take the tasks back on refreshed and ready to go.

But as tempting as sleeping was to him, it could wait. As tired as he might have been, he had a reason to stay awake, a reason to be excited even in the midst of this terrible conflict.

 _She_ was back on his ship.

Yes… Tali'Zorah had found her way back on board the Normandy. Promoted to Admiral and helping to direct the war against the geth, the Admiralty Board had come calling to the Alliance for an aid exchange: Help destroy the geth, take back their homeworld Rannoch and in return the quarians would grant them their 50,000 vessel strong Migrant fleet and expert engineers working on Project Crucible. It was a tall order to say the least with all that was happening in the galaxy. He could not help but point out to the Admirals just how odious it was to start a war against the geth while the galaxy had their backs turned.

Of course, he said that before he knew Tali was on the Normandy. The moment he saw her, he remembered his promises to her and no more resistance was put up by him. But it seemed as though she too was in agreement with him about the declaration of war in the midst of a war where extinction was at stake. But she was just one Admiral with one vote. In the end the motion for war with the geth passed 3-2. So here Tali was, trying to make the best of it by contacting him for his aid –as though he was some sort of secret weapon which could save quarian lives.

John honestly and sincerely wanted to be that for her like he had been before the Reapers arrived in force –swooping in and saving the day and all that… but if he couldn't save human lives, or asari, or turian, or any other intelligent lifeform being erased by the Reapers, what chance did he have with quarian from the geth?

Hitting his face with another handful of water and leaning downwards to rinse his mouth out, John stepped back from the sink and wiped his face down with the nearest towel. With great strain he forced his downcast expression back into the expression everyone had come to expect out of him –sheer confidence in the face of certain doom.

Sometimes, the lie was better than the truth…

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Looking up from her chicken eggs and swine based breakfast; Liara T'Soni frowned slightly at the strange sight swaying from the direction of the elevators.

Stepping tentatively into the mess hall was none other than Tali'Zorah – _Admiral_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Her shoulders slumped, her posture bad, Tali seemed to have been scanning the inhabitants of the mess hall wearily, as though she did not feel that she belonged to be there. She looked at them as though she was taking cues from the Commander. Tali was a far cry from the star-struck young woman she met two years ago. Standing in her place was a weary woman on the verge of a collapse, but was unwilling to show any weakness at all in case others judged her accordingly. One bad moment and it would be likely she would have a total meltdown.

Honestly, Liara could empathize with her plight. It was unsurprising considering just how involved she was in the war between her people and the geth in the midst of the Reaper war. She was less like the Machinist and more like Shepard now for better or worse –utterly exhausted but well aware her work was never finished and the lives of her entire race rested squarely on her resolve.

It appeared that Liara wasn't the only one who noticed the difference in Tali's posture. Next to her, Garrus was looking up from his own meal with an equal amount of concern. Garrus' mandibles flared slightly as he looked over to Liara, clearly confused as to why their old friend was just standing there, swaying slightly.

"Tali," Garrus called out first before Liara could come up with a more tactful way to get her attention. "Come and join us. Just like old times."

Tali visibly flinched and very nearly jumped at the call out. She may have been standing only feet away from them, but her mind was clearly light years away. It made enough of a scene that the entire table looked up and stared at her. She did not reply to the request, but she did move slowly and with almost baby steps, approached the table, her head bowed as she seemed to have been silently debating just what to say. She took a seat at the end of the table. It was where Shepard would normally sit. Considering how much time she spent in his company, that was a purposeful decision. On one side of her was James Vega, who was almost gawking at her. On the other side was Ashley Williams, who smiled diplomatically to the quarian.

Tali did not so much as acknowledge either of their presence whatsoever. She instead focused her attention on her hands lying flat on the table.

"It's nice to see you again, Tali," Liara decided to break the ice between the quarian and the staring crew.

Tali's helmet looked away from her hands and turned her concealed face to examine everyone gathered around the table.

"Hello everyone," Tali finally addressed the table, her voice brisk, to the point. "I am happy to see you all are more or less okay; though I am a little surprised to see you here, Liara. I was under an impression that you had _bigger_ things to do then run around the galaxy on a combat vessel."

Giving Talia knowing smile, Liara shrugged noncommittally.

"I lightened my commitments somewhat, and when Cerberus comes knocking, I find it's the best policy that one flees as far and as fast as possible," Liara explained to the quarian admiral. "Everything I need to do my work is on board the ship... and besides, how could I refuse dodging the Reapers on their priority target?"

Next to Liara, Garrus emitted a small chuckle at the statement.

"Yeah, Shepard finding a way to piss off an emotionless machine race would be more amusing if I wasn't guilty by association," Garrus added, his tone sardonic. He turned to Tali and added. "Hello Tali, or should I say ' _Admiral'_ Zorah now, I wouldn't want to cause a diplomatic incident."

Tali tilted her head to one side slightly.

"I could ask the same thing of you _'Reaper expert'_ ; advisor to the Primarch? Impressive career jump for a vigilante…" Tali complimented Garrus, for a moment her voice teased the turian. As Garrus muttered something to himself, Tali took an audible breath and turned to Ashley, adding, "and then there is you, Lieutenant _Williams_ ; congratulations on making it into the Spectre program. I'm _glad_ to see you finally signed back on with the Commander. Are you ready to start believing in him again?"

Next to Tali, Ashley Williams exhaled and attempted to keep her temper in check. It was understandable why the two of them had a real simmering tension which existed beyond Ashley's rejection of Shepard's mission on Horizon. Ashley too nursed an attraction to the Commander shortly after he saved her life on Eden Prime. Whether it amounted to anything was something only known between Shepard, Ashley and judging from Tali's stand-offish nature -Tali as well.

"I _never_ stopped believing in him," Ashley snapped back at her.

Ashley sounded almost… _hurt_ by the suggestion Tali was insinuating -like she did not deserve some amount of mistrust from the quarian. But surely Williams knew that while she might have patched things up between herself and Shepard, it was not going to gain back the favour of either Tali nor Garrus so quickly, who despite their obvious distaste for Cerberus, loyally stood by Shepard's side regardless of his affiliation.

Behind her faceplate, Tali's bright eyes narrowed into tiny slits as she stared Ashley down. Liara could have sworn she heard a low growl emit from the quarian.

"Right..." was Tali's thickly sarcastic response. "That's why you signed on with him after he _saved_ your life on Horizon, right? Why you implied he betrayed the Alliance? He was your friend, and you repaid him with claims of _treason_."

"Well, well, well, if it isn't _Miss Vas Normandy._ I figured a big shot Admiral like you would rather stick to the war room with the other Admirals."

Before the argument between the Admiral and the Spectre could boil over, Liara smiled privately as she watched Tali tighten up from the familiar voice which echoed from behind her. Standing over her was Commander Shepard. His arms were crossed and he wore an awful looking smirk. One which the quarian pointedly refused to acknowledge by turning back to look at him. As though returning his gaze would reveal just how the quarian felt for the human.

She had heard rumours of their relationship and the extent of which it had went to, but Shepard only once touched on it briefly shortly after they took down the former Shadow Broker –and even then he kept it rather vague. In all honesty, part of the reason why Liara took the posting was because Tali and Shepard were like magnets. It would not be long before one attracted the other. She wanted to see it in the flesh.

Striding past Tali and the rest of the crew, all of them distinctly aware that the aura of the room had changed, Shepard took a seat on the other end of the table. He ignored Steve Cortez and Samantha Traynor's protests as he took a cup of coffee and several pieces of toasted multi grain bread from the two of them. His devious eyes never left Tali. Sipping his stolen coffee, John set it back down.

Blinking behind her mask, Tali tilted her head to one side and sat back into her seat, her arms crossing over her chest.

"What can I say?" Tali replied, her tired voice dropped an octave and took on a nearly seductive voice. "Sometimes I'll _mingle_ with the underlings. It gives the impression that I care about them."

Ouch...

"Nice to hear that you're so sincere," Shepard countered immediately; he mimicked Tali and crossed his arms over his chest. "You know," he added. "Not once in the whole stretch I did while incarcerated did I ever get a single letter from you. Am I really that forgettable? I figured I left a… well… a mark or two on you…"

The words were enough to make Tali's eyes widen. She openly gasped even. Less so out of shock and more for the theatrics. It was clear to Liara that the two of them had already forgotten all the watching bystanders to their conversation.

"N-no, not at all," Tali was the first one to lose her cool and stammer. Taking a breath to steady herself, her eyes turned back to slits as she silkily added, "I had important things to do. I must have been under the impression that you were mature enough to not need constant correspondence."

Shepard rested his elbows on the table and grinned widely.

"Oh I am, but I wasn't asking for daily updates on whatever was happening, just one, measly letter would have sufficed -just an acknowledgement that we were still… _friends_ ," Shepard stated slyly. Gesturing to Garrus, he added, "I mean even Garrus sent me updates and that guy is as thick as Wrex… and Grunt… combined…"

Tali rolled her eyes.

"Well of _course_ he wrote to you. Is it really any surprise that he's nursing a serious crush on you?" Tali complained to Shepard, shooting the turian a pointed look. "Garrus Vakarian cannot go more than day without making eyes at his one true love. It's rather annoying to be honest -threatening even… Once I even considered hijacking his omni-tool in order to make his device give him small electric shocks whenever he looked at you…"

A cough came from the turian. It was a cough which Tali and Shepard made a point to ignore.

"Well… I do admit to having a certain penchant for troublesome, shit-disturbing dextro aliens with a serious attitude problem and a nice ass," Shepard confessed to Tali with a smirk, "but perhaps not _him_ –too many scars, you see- but I heard his sister is a _real_ looker..."

A fork dropped onto a plate and an exacerbated sigh emitted from the lone turian at the table.

"Sitting right here, you two…" Garrus groaned out, annoyed by being dragged into the conversation between the two lovesick comrades "…and you know what? You would be _damn_ lucky to have a man like me, Shepard."

Shepard grinned at Garrus and raised his coffee cup as if to toast his turian heterosexual life-partner.

"… _I'd hit that… I mean, for a turian at least."_

The soft spoken outburst was enough for the whole table to turn in order to face Steve Cortez, who had suddenly buried his focus into eating in order not to be the centre of attention.

"…Just saying," he mumbled out, suddenly embarrassed by the rather shocking admittance.

The turian did not seem to be mad as Cortez expected. Instead he burst out into a wildly, almost uncontrollable laughter at Steve's come-on. Still laughing, Garrus leaned over the table and smacked the pilot hard on the shoulder. Cortez's smaller frame nearly buckled under the turian's affectionate grab.

"You know what, Cortez? You're alright…" Garrus crowed out.

"Well… regardless of writing or not, I'm sure I left enough of an impression that it would have sufficed," Tali pressed on, turning her gaze back to Shepard. "I'm _sorry_ that I did not find the time to write. I guess I did not think that the _great_ Commander _Shepard_ would miss the quarian so much…"

"Don't worry, Sparks. I kept him company."

Tali blinked and finally tore her eyes away from Shepard. The two of them; no, the entire table turned to face James Vega, who held his hand up like he was in class, wearing a goofy, enthusiastic smile on his face. It was like he thought that he should be commended for doing what he was assigned to do.

" _Sparks_?" Tali repeated incredulously, her voice devoid of any of the sensual overtone which was held for Shepard. "Just who the _hell_ are you anyways, and what gives _you_ the right to nickname _me?"_

Across from Tali, Shepard's hand was pressed against his forehead. He appeared to have been mildly frustrated with Vega.

"Tali, this is James Vega," Shepard finally made the introduction to her. "He was assigned to babysit me while I was jailed. He's not terribly bright, so he uses nicknames to keep everyone he meets in check."

"Hey, I resent that, Loco," Vega complained, scrunching up his nose to glare at his commanding officer. "I'm bright… not the book smart kinda smart… or the picture book smart… maybe not even coloring book smart… But I'm… I'm... _shut up_ , I'm smart! I can do more curls than you!"

As if they were mentally bonded, both Tali and Shepard pressed their hands to their faces.

"Right…" Tali muttered as she pulled her hand away, she turned to Shepard and added, "I trust this Vega did not replace me completely."

Shepard pulled his own hand off his face and leaned back causally into his seat. He shrugged, smiling once again for the quarian across from him.

"Well think what you like about him, but at least he's capable of discussing things outside the realm of engineering and cultural quirks," Shepard defended his fellow N7 comrade from the biting tone of the quarian.

If Tali's mask was see through, she was likely frowning.

"And here I was thinking you might actually have enjoyed learning things about my people," Tali bemoaned softly, her words dripping with pouting. "Was it all just a ruse? Just nod your head and ask a question or two and the foolish quarian just drops absolutely _everything_ for you?"

"Not in the slightest," Shepard retorted, an awful grin on his face. "I don't think I ever had as much fun learning then when it was coming from you… and while we're on the subject of learning, it seems to me that you've gotten rather fast and loose with your talk. Was that something you picked up from me? Because I do distinctly remember leaving behind a stuttering, nerdy quarian when I was incarcerated, not a cocky quick-on-the-draw one who got all sultry..."

Tali shrugged casually as Shepard had before her.

"What can I say?" she returned, just as sly as he. "You are very _skilled_ with your tongue; it was something I could _never_ forget. I just needed to copy it for myself."

"Copy?" Shepard repeated, twisting his head to one side. "You mean kind of like the geth information we gathered when you were just a bright eyed, _'infatuated with the captain'_ youth? Or copy, as in like the Normandy engine design which is mysteriously being used by that diplomatic ship you came aboard on from? You know I'm starting to get the impression that I'm being used to further your own standing with your people."

A loud intake of air emitted from the quarian.

" _Oh, how could even you suggest such a thing?!"_ Tali dramatically gasped out at Shepard, her voice mocking an offended tone from his implication of technological espionage which very likely occurred.

"Ahhh… Am I missing something?" Vega spoke out loud.

Neither Tali, nor Shepard answered him. They were too lost in their game of coy flirting and sexual innuendos to notice the remark, or anyone else in the vicinity anymore for that matter. At this point they were in what Liara could really only describe as word coitus. If Tali had been capable of removing her suit, not only would it be strewn across the mess hall, but Shepard would have also had her pinned on the table which everyone was eating off of.

All in all, this was far from the sweet image she had of the two of them. She expected sweet nothings and perhaps some handholding. As it turned out the quarian was just as filthy minded as the rest of them…

"Do yourself a favour and don't ask," Ashley called out, shaking her head. She seemed to be just as shocked as Liara had been. "Those two are in a world of their own at the moment. I swear that girl is a masochist for even trying with him…"

"Anyone else remember the days when the only thing you could get from Tali was a conversation about her people, or defending herself from the geth connection?" Garrus tacked on, looking away from the increasingly sexual vibe between the quarian and the human. "I think I'm actually missing the lectures… She's getting a little… _aggressive._.."

Liara sipped her tea and sighed.

"Yes. I think the Commander has loosened her up… in _far_ too many ways then I'm comfortable thinking about," she confessed as she set her cup down. "Though now that I think about it, I think we're all victims of his; He broke down my obsession with Prothean studies…"

"My overcompensation for rectifying my family's shame on Shanxi…" Ashley added.

"Or me for being a hotheaded fast and loose kind of cop… and inspiring me to be a hotheaded, fast and loose vigilante instead…" Garrus tacked on. "You know, for being a decent person, Shepard has a way of being a corrupting influence..."

Ashley chuckled slightly and without warning, gave Tali a small shove. It was clearly supposed to be a playful push to redirect Tali's focus from the Commander. Tali did not see the humour in it. The quarian actually screamed and leaped out of her seat, as though she had been attacked. It was a reaction that startled everyone. Shepard included. His grin vanished and his expression became suddenly leery. He looked as Tali reacted –a bundle of exposed nerves.

"Some of us are trying to eat. Are you two done making eyes at each other?" Ashley asked both the Admiral and the first human Spectre, her voice small as she nervously looked at the quarian's reaction.

Rubbing her shoulder, Tali's eyes once again narrowed at Ashley. She was _furious._

"Not even in the slightest, Williams; shouldn't you be crying about Shepard's Cerberus connection right about now?" Tali shot back at her in way that sounded like she had krogan blood. " _Oh Captain, my Captain!"_ the quarian mimicked Ashley's tone almost perfectly. _"You went to work with the only organization that was willing to do something about the Collector attacks; how can I ever trust you again!?"_

Wide eyed and red cheeked, Ashley turned away from Tali and directed her suddenly embarrassed rage to Commander Shepard, who made it a point to stare at the toast in his hands.

" _You… you… you actually didn't tell Tali that I read…" s_ he breathed out poisonously.

Williams did not get a chance to finish. Shepard cleared his throat, downed his coffee and stood up from his seat. He stepped forward and joined Tali standing there, her arms once again crossed over her chest. The quarian continued to glower at Ashley as though they were locked in some sort of mortal combat with each other.

"Shall I give you a carefully monitored reintroduction to the Normandy?" Shepard inquired out of Tali.

Forgetting her anger at Williams, Tali turned back to Shepard and inclined her head to one side as a small respectful bow.

"I would very much like that, thank you," Tali acquiesced. "Perhaps we could start in proper numerical order – starting with deck one… perhaps..?"

As Tali held her helmet covered eyes on Shepard, all traces of emotion vanished off his face. As though he had suddenly reverted back into a nervous adolescent human male, all Shepard could do was stupidly nod at the rather pointed suggestion the younger woman had made.

"As… as the Admiral commands," Shepard finally broke down and stuttered. He glanced sideways to the table and added, "We'll… _ahhh_ … we'll see you all later…"

Without waiting for a response, Shepard and Tali left the mess, leaving half a dozen people rather confused in their wake. No one spoke, not until they heard the elevator doors open, then close.

"Holy… shit," Williams was the first one to break the silence. "Tali`s grown into a real _bitch_."

No one spoke out at the remark. No one offered a defense for the quarian. Liara stirred her coffee and remained dead silent. As uncouth as it was to speak ill of a friend, Williams was right in her assessment. This certainly wasn`t the same Tali they knew from the old days. She could not afford to be soft as she had been. It was one of those things lost the moment the Reaper War started in earnest.

Next to her, Garrus frowned slightly and turned to Williams.

"You know what? I would too if I had 17 million quarians looking to you for guidance," Garrus spoke up finally, his voice drained. "She isn't exactly in a position anyone of us want to be in. I'm an advisor to a Primarch, but I don't have the final say over my people. She's actually guiding her people to either their doom or survival. No wonder why she's basically emulating Shepard. He's the only one of us in the same positon… He's the only one who understand-"

"Oh man, I get it!" Vega suddenly called out triumphantly, interrupting Garrus` defense. " _Hot damn_ , Sparks and Loco are doing the horizontal tango, Loco's givin' her the old in-out, in-out… wait… wait a second… how in the hell do they do that?!" he added, his lip curling slightly. "Aren't quarians more machine than flesh under those suits?"

Everyone except the confused James Vega groaned out loud at the statement. Liara slapped her hand over her face and flared her nostrils, unable to believe that Vega was this far behind everyone. Sighing, Steve Cortez pulled himself out of his chair and stepped towards Vega as though he was an exhausted parent.

"Well, I guess it's time we have that talk," Cortez sighed as he placed his hand onto Vega's shoulder. "Come along, Mr. Vega. It's time we discuss the birds and the bees…"

Squinting at Cortez for a moment, Vega shrugged, collected a handful of bacon and toast and stood up from his seat and followed Cortez's lead.

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 **…**

Shepard's quarters felt… different than she last recalled.

Gone were the luxuries and tasteful orderliness she had expected, replacing these qualities was a mess of datapads, clothing, combat armour, even _weapons_ were left scattered on the ground around his bed. The fish tank was drained empty, the glass cracked as though Shepard had taken a fist to it. All the ship models he collected for his own, secretly childish amusements during the Collector mission were gone as well. There was no room for unnecessary distractions for him anymore, no room for the illusion of control. He was too busy for any of that.

She could not blame him for how he must have felt. She held the fate of her people in her hands. Her decisions could cost the lives of the last of her race. Shepard had the entire known galaxy looking at him for a solution to an enemy that had turned extinction into a gruesome art. How he was coping with all of this overburdening responsibility without falling apart at the seams spoke greatly to his resolve… to his character. It was… well… one of the things she loved about him.

 _Love_. She had never said that word out loud before to anyone outside of her Mother… and perhaps her Father on occasion. But for the first time in her life, that was just how she genuinely felt for the man standing behind her. She may have been an Admiral before the eyes of the galaxy, but he would always be her Captain – the one who would guide her through hell, through whatever strife they would face together; and just as he would be there for her through her struggles, she too would be there for him.

She did not know if that was love, but perhaps that was all it took, an unparalleled dedication to another person…

"Well… so much for me being your dirty little secret…"

Looking around at Shepard's grim quarters, Tali turned back to face John, his hands were tucked away in his pocket as he remained standing on the top of the stairs. His arrogant taunts down in mess hall were exactly what she thought they had been – a mask meant to project an image of dedicated confidence to the men and women who served under him. He suddenly looked utterly exhausted as he wearily stepped down the stairs to join her.

"It's just the Normandy crew," Tali replied quietly as she stepped to inspect the empty fish tank, her fingers tracing the crack in the glass. "As long as it doesn't get leaked beyond the ship it will be fine… so I presume that you are still interested in continuing what we had?"

Tali smiled slightly and bowed her head as her nerve simulators flared up as she felt Shepard's familiar fingers dance up along her spine. His fingers paused as they wrapped around the back of her neck…

"That would be a fair assessment, yes."

Once again Tali smiled privately as she turned her head to face her Captain. Good. That was what she needed to hear. She needed something… someone of her own. It might not have been a declaration of his love, but it would be enough to sate her desire for a reconnection with him in the meantime. Softly she pressed her back against the broken tank and took her hands into his.

"You know, I wrote to you every other day, right?" Tali spoke up suddenly, her tilting to one side as she gazed up into his tired blue eyes. "I don't suppose you were permitted outside contact; and Garrus probably got his mail to you because he was working in conjunction with the Primarch. Quarians, it seems, are not held quite as high in regard."

She paused and found herself suddenly overwhelmed with a guilt she had been trying to keep out of her mind the past few months since John's arrest at the hands of the Alliance after the incident involving the destruction of a Mass Relay in the Bahak System, resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of batarians.

"Then when I was promoted to Admiral, I tried taking some leave to go to Earth and try… you know… try to act as _your_ council. Or at the very least speak in favour of you," she pressed on, tightening her grip on his fingers. "After everything you did for me with my treason charges, the least I could do was to stand with you when you were charged for making a sacrifice you had to make. I wanted to do something, _anything_ , then the war against the geth started in earnest and I just could not… could not…"

Tali trailed off as she watched Shepard lean forward and pressed his lips against the top of her faceplate. It was… cute -frustrating that it could not touch her skin, but cute nonetheless.

"You don't have to prove anything to me, Tali. You never did," John sweetly reassured her, one hand slipping out of hers as it reached up to touch against the side of her helmet. "You made a hard call and you choose the welfare of the many over the individual. You did the right thing. I'm proud of you, truly."

Tali exhaled and shook her head. It was hard to believe he would feel as he did about her lack of aid to him.

"It didn't feel like the right thing, even now," she confessed softly. "It's… hard to look in your eyes, knowing you spent all those months locked up and I didn't do a damn thing to hel-"

"It never does feel right when it comes to those types of decision making, Tali," John cut her off from continuing her self-loathing fuelled rant. "You're a leader now whether you like it or not. People are going to be hurt regardless of what you choose."

Realizing that there would be no possible way to get Shepard to be upset with her for what she perceived as a betrayal against him, Tali remained silent as remained wrapped up against John's body. It felt right… being like this.

"…and I'm sorry for stealing the Normandy's thermal displacement designs," Tali spoke up suddenly, her voice attempting to come off as humorous. "It would be probably for the best that the Alliance never gets to see that diplomatic ship. The last thing I need on my conscious right now is you being charged with revealing military technologies to the quarian you trusted."

Shepard took a step back from her, untangling his body from hers. His expression was grim as he turned away and stepping over his pile of N7 armour, he took a seat on the edge of his bed. His eyes stared forward, directed all the way to the elevator doors.

"The Alliance has been shattered," Shepard spoke to her finally, his voice hollowed as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Earth has fallen to the Reapers and as we speak the Reapers have gathered the governments of the entire world into their ships for… _peace negotiations_ , so that the Reapers can go about their business without further facing organized resistance. At this point a technology falling into your hands is the least of their concern."

Tali felt her throat tighten up at the frightening picture which Shepard had painted about the situation on Earth. Human governments were actively working with the Reapers now? That was beyond wrong. Ancestors damn the Reapers for what they were doing to divide and conquer their enemies.

It was little wonder why Shepard was the way he was. He must have felt so trapped with his mission, trapped on the Normandy. The soldier in him wanted so desperately hard to return to Earth and punish the Reapers for the pain and misery they were inflicting on his people. It was exactly how Tali would have felt if she were in the same position.

"I… I can't imagine how it must feel to lose your world like that," Tali replied, stepping tentatively towards him. "I wanted to say _'now you know how I feel'_ … but that would not be fair in the slightest. We lost Rannoch so many generations ago –we learned through stories. You saw Earth fall only a few weeks ago."

Shepard did not reply to her, he did not look up to face her; he did not even react as Tali placed her hand onto his shoulder. His eyes remained locked far away from the conversation. He looked so isolated and alone. It was not an uncommon look he had. He had been treated like a lunatic so many times over the Reapers that isolation was not surprising for Tali to see from him. But there was an expression creeping onto his face that Tali had never seen from him before, one she never expected to see from him.

 _Terror._ Commander John Shepard was genuinely terrified.

"There was this child… Couldn't have been more than seven… eight maybe," John confessed, his tone low, choked even. "He was hiding in the air ducts just trying to survive when the Reapers landed. I tried to coax him out, but he was too frightened. I told him to go to the nearest Alliance post and they would get him out of there. I saw him again when I got on board of the Normandy. He got on board an evacuation shuttle…Then the Reaper came…"

Shepard trailed off and turned to face Tali's wide eyes. She watched as he blinked rapidly.

"I killed that child, Tali, he breathed weakly. "Jesus Christ, I gave him hope, and it killed that child… I killed… him. Oh God, I killed him.

Tali shook her head. She could not imagine how it must have felt to witness an unspeakable crime that was the death of a child. But there was no way Shepard could have prevented it. Surely he had to have known that. He had always been a voice of rationality towards these things when it came to everyone else. He was one for Liara, for Ashley, for Garrus… and he was one for her as well.

"It wasn't your fault, John," Tali tried to reassure him, her voice pleading for him to understand that. "How could it have been your fault?"

But Shepard clearly wasn't having that. He was too far into commiserating about the horrifying incident that there was no way for him not to think about it, to blame himself for something beyond his control. Without any other options that she could see working, Tali bent over and smacked Shepard across the mouth. Not hard, but there was more than enough force to snap him back to reality.

"Listen to me, you bosh'tet. Do you remember what you told me once after what happened on Haestrom?" She suddenly hissed out at him. "You told me that I could do things perfectly, that I could make no mistakes and commit no great error… but still lose. How _dare_ you sit there and pretend like that logic cannot apply to you, like you deserve to be held to a higher standard than the rest of us!"

Tali's lecturing tone and the small smack surprised the Commander out of his shocked state. Exhaling slowly, she stepped forward and took a seat next to John and pulled his hands back into hers.

"You're no damn saint, Shepard, no otherworldly being incapable of being infallible or perfect," Tali pressed on, softening her tone now that she had his attention once again. "I've seen you do _great_ acts, I've seen you sacrifice your life, even… and I know you have committed acts terrible to even think about. You are flesh and blood like I –capable of success, failure and even trying to do the right thing, yet still failing."

Tali fell silent as she watched John slowly nod his head. He seemed to have been accepting just what she had to say. He sighed and turned his eyes back to face her again. Him mouth formed a weak, shaky smile. He looked so fragile. It was a far cry from the seemingly insurmountable self-assuredness on which he operated under. She did not mind the weakness. It was troubling, certainly, but it reminded her that there was a vulnerable man under the armour he wore.

"You know," Shepard mused, drying his mist coated eyes carefully. "The Normandy already has Adams, Daniels and Donnelly in the engine room. We could use a good ship councillor, you know. Pay would be better, I imagine…"

Tali could not help herself, she emitted a soft giggle as she buried her mask into the nape of his neck and wrapped her hands around him. Doctor Zorah, councillor. It was an interesting concept…

"Probably best that the medical advice people seek is not given out by someone also on the collapse of exhaustion as well," she admitted finally with a small laugh.

The two of them fell into a comfortable silence. Tali felt John slowly return her affection by wrapping his own arm around her shoulders. She rested her helmet against the side of his chest and listened as his heart pounded quicker than a human heart was supposed to pound. He might have calmed down, but he certainly was not relaxed.

Perhaps… perhaps she would take off her suit a little sooner than she had planned to. There were things she learned about him which would help ease his tension.

"Mordin died on Tuchanka," Shepard spoke up suddenly, immediately crashing Tali's less than pure thoughts. "He sacrificed his life to cure the genophage…"

Tali tightened her grip around John's waist at she heard the acknowledgment of the loss of the salarian. She had nearly broken down when she saw that both he and Thane Krios had had their names added to the memorial wall on deck three. Only weeks into the war and two of them had fallen… How many more would die before the end?

It was a thought Tali did not want to think about but it was always on her mind, like a tumour she could never quite get rid of…

"He was very sweet… for a salarian. He spent weeks concocting a variety of immuno-supplements for us," Tali recalled as she lifted and tilted her head to one side in order to look at him. "He actually sat me down for two hours at one point to have a conversation about the dangers and merits of human-quarian relations outside of a professional nature. I do not think I have ever been quite so embarrassed and curious in my life. He concluded the talk by saying _'Humans have a saying: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. If that is the case, then Shepard better be a combination of all their deities, both dead and actively practiced before you pursue intimacy with him'._ "

For the first time since she came aboard the Normandy, for the first time since before the Bahak Relay incident, she heard Shepard laugh –genuinely laugh at something. It swelled her heart to hear some trace amount of the man she fell in love with return to her. Perhaps… perhaps not everything had been lost when the Reapers attacked.

"Everything we do… it has to make the lives of those who we lost count," Shepard spoke over her, the laughter in his voice vanishing. "It _has_ to."

Tali nodded as she buried herself back into him. It was a sentiment she agreed with completely. Everything they did, it had to count for something…

 **…**

* * *

 **…**

 **So, in June I sat down and played through the entire Mass Effect trilogy plus all the DLC for the first time. Usually I stopped just after 2. I had never played more than the Vancouver opening scene in 3 before July. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it certainly fell apart post-Rannoch. One of my biggest qualms was how tacked on Shepard's tiredness in ME3 felt. I want this series to better reflect the cracking strain saving the galaxy would actually be. Anyways, it had been quite a few years since I did a mass effect story with John and Tali in a canon setting. So here it is. I have another connected one shot in the works as well. This will be an ongoing series not connected to The Connection Series or Uplifted.**

 **As for Uplifted, I'm sorry it's taken so long. I have just been dead busy this summer and there hasn't really been a lot of interest in the Integration era, which sucks. I guess it's a little too fluffy or whatever. Things will pick up as I am splitting Integration into two acts, with the first act being completed in two chapters. So hopefully interest in that story will be kicked up.**

 **Also, before I get any flak about Ashley or Vega bashing; that's not what's happening at all. Bashing is stupid. I'm just playing around. I swear.**

 **Thanks for reading!**

 **…**

 **Next up: You Sound Like a Vorcha**

" _Is… is thing this… this thing on? Hello? Helllloooo!"_

Watching her son with hard eyes, Hannah Shepard maintained her silence. All John could do was blink as he absorbed the familiar trill he had long since come to adore. No… no way in hell did she actually go out of her way to contact his -Mother… Of all the things she could have done, this had to have been the worst possible choice to make.

Worst yet she was slurring her words...

" _If- now if this is Rear Admiral Hannah Shepard, then I am calling the right person,"_ Tali'Zorah vas Normandy muttered out on the recording. _"I don't know you p-personally. But if you're an Admiral and Commander Shepard's mother, then I suspect you're going to be a real hassle to deal… deeeal… deal with. All Admirals are hassles. Ancestors hell, I am an Admiral and I am a real hassle. Anyways I'm calling be-because I find your son extraordinarily hot and I am annoyed that he didn't bother to tell me he had parents to be introduced to; but don't yooooOOou worry, he's got a really nice ass so I'll forgive him. The armor he wears only accentuates the beauty of his ass, and the way he runs; well let's just say I'm always a few metres behind him in battle for a reason, if you know what I'm saying. I like the other side as well, but the cod piece blocks the sight of that glorious sight. Now if only I can figure out why he can't dance; I thought about giving him lessons… or putting a charity together to pay for a new rhythm enhancement therapy… but really I'm just amazed humans can even stand up without falling, let alone dance. It's kind of cute –his dancing- once you get used to it. But you need to not interfere with things and stuff of that nature because I have had enough of parents meddling in the lives of their children long after the child is grown up. It happened to me and if it happens to John as well, well, I'll be showing you the business end of my Combat Drone… just as John would have done if he ever met my Father… oh wow, if only John could have hit him. It would have saved so many lives._

 _Nice… I'm rambling now and all out of my drink. It was nice… whatever this is with you…. GARRUS VAKARIAN, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"_

" _But… this is a public lounge!"_

" _NOT TONIGHT IT ISN'T, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!_ _ **NOW!**_ _"_

Before the recording could descend into any further chaos caused by the quarian and turian, mother turned off the omni-tool and looked at her son pointedly. She was not impressed to say the least.

"That argument continues on for literally fifteen minutes before this Tali turned off the recording. Would you care to explain just what in the _hell_ is happening on board your ship?" the Rear Admiral demanded to know. "I was under the impression that Alliance vessels weren't so colourful."

As his mother narrowed her eyes at him, John suddenly felt as though he was a child again. He rubbed the back of his neck. It was all he could do, really.

"That would be Tali… Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy," John explained, his voice strained and fighting to maintain its composure in the face of Hannah Shepard's scathing glare. "I… well, I _might_ be dating her..."

 **…**


End file.
